Silent Reverie

give me a reason to smile.

2012-01-31T20:03:00.000-08:00

i guess the reason why i type sad stuffs here is because i don't want to keep all my sad thoughts bottled up. today, i feel like screaming, yelling, crying, bursting like a mad woman but i can't. and, it's really difficult for me to pull a fake smile when deep down my heart, i feel like a knife continuously slicing my heart. i'm struggling real hard to keep those tears behind my eyes. i really need to calm down, regain my composure. maybe a swim will help. even if it doesn't, nobody would know i'm crying under water.

"To have, to love and to part is the greatest sorrow of one's heart." I'm feeling it.

how much more?

2012-01-29T20:27:00.000-08:00

how much more strength can you garner

how much more time can you waste

how much more courage can you muster

how much more disappointments can you handle

how much more hope can you see being crushed

how far the distance can you go

how long really can you wait...

...for me, love?

see you again.

2012-01-29T06:07:00.000-08:00

2010

2012

They say goodbye is the hardest word to say when you do not know when you will say hello again. I learn that today and sure, it is. My heart literally weeps inside. Hence, I'm not going to say goodbye. Instead, see you again, Li Zhe. Thank you for coming into my life and leave footprints in my heart. :) I will never forget you.

P/S: just noticed i wore the same top and cardigan. haha

2011, goodbye.

2012-01-27T23:16:00.001-08:00

Finally I have time to sit down and type a closure post for 2011. By now, some memories have probably escaped my mind. So, I really need to type bits and pieces of those memories out so that they will be kept locked here forever. To prevent myself from typing a long, long post and I really have the penchant of doing that if i have ample time and, i do have lots of time to burn right now...so, I shall sum each of my highlighted memories of 2011 all in one word each (or maybe two) and each word represents a memory. I will try to make it chronological. :D

tears

chance

breakup

discovery

hong kong

fire alarm

macau

india

waterfalls

pancakes

apple juice

ABC soup

Cancer

tattoo

train

poverty

ambulance

sling

the die has been cast

2012-01-27T23:00:00.000-08:00

there are some decisions you make in your life that you have to live with it. you can't turn back time. you can't try to make amends. you can't run away, live in denial. you can't start again. you can't rewind. you need to just move on and learn from those mistakes you made. moving on, letting go, it's also a decision. a chance of a new beginning you give to yourself. if the die has been cast, let it be.

the story still goes on...

2012-01-27T22:42:00.001-08:00

...because sharing tales of whom we have lost is how we keep from really losing them. Moments, memories, stories are all so fleeting. Slowly, they all fade away, consumed by the hands of time, replaced, perished, forgotten. So, the same song still plays on, the remembrance and reminiscence lingers on as I try to piece each of my memories back every now and then. It hurts, I know. So, I have to stop.

Everything you do is a choice you make, the change you want to see. I think 2012 will be the year where i stop sharing tales of you, tales of what I have lost, the love that I can never have.

2012, cheers.

let go.

2011-11-29T19:00:00.001-08:00

It's because you love too much and your love is not felt and appreciated that you chose to let go, not because you stop loving but because what you're feeling is a mixture of love and hurt that is slowly killing you inside. You cry, not because you are sad but because you must cry, for it almost seems that pity is necessary before kindness is possible. If you love someone so much but both of you are unhappy, do you make that person stay or let that person go?

wake up, reality calls.

2011-11-23T03:58:00.000-08:00

there will come a time in your relationship, where you have to think things over. when you have been through all the ups and downs, share all the laughter and tears, the occasional ludicrous on-and-off breakups, growing up together all those years, you will have to think whether to bring this whole relationship to a higher stage whereby a full commitment awaits. ready or not, the answer you probably know. do you want to venture out still? or you are all ready to settle? are you going to walk away or stay? suddenly, all those questions that you never thought off evades your mind. what do you want, you ask yourself. and in the end, 5 or even 8 years relationship ended, just like that. love is a very strange thing. you can love a person immensely and yet when it ended, you don't even know the reasons why. you can say that love amazingly blinds a person, but i think to a certain extent, you are the one that renders yourself blind, to just enjoy the moment of denial. sometimes, we are just too caught up with the moment that we lost track, we swerved, we want to just live for the moment. but, how far can that take us? how far can we go? because when the time comes, you have to wake up, reality calls.

you can't see it but you can feel it.

2011-11-19T09:32:00.001-08:00

Once in awhile, you feel the warmth, the presence, the purity and sincerity of true love. Like seeing an old couple hold hands, exchanging inside smiles and knowing glances. Like looking at a mother peering into the glasses of the hospital room, smiling widely to see the face of her first born. Like a little boy sitting at the back of the bicycle while his old grandfather peddles on...

And, like looking into one's eyes and found love. :) strange isn't it? well, love is the closest thing we have to miracle, so they say.

you are, therefore i am.

2011-11-19T08:43:00.000-08:00

As long as you are happy because knowing you are happy instead of sad, i'll be far better off, the hurt is less, the pain is less excruciating.

foolish heart.

2011-11-12T03:29:00.000-08:00

I don't understand my heart anymore. Maybe because i have betrayed it for far too many times. For all those lies that i tried to impose on my heart to bury the truth, they all seem to have caught up to me. I find it somehow hard to breathe. All the unspoken words of truth are dying to escape from me but I'm trying my best to suppress it. And, I find myself slowly, slowly tearing apart...

there is forever

2011-10-26T06:35:00.000-07:00

i saw an old European couple sitting in front of the Hawa Mahal (Palace of the Winds) at Jaipur two months ago. i stood staring admiringly at them from afar. they were unpacking some food they brought, probably some Indian street food, offering each other to try what they have in hand, exchanging smiles, nods and small thoughts. and there i smile and thought to myself, perhaps someone can really love you forever...

P/S: Apparently, I did take a picture of them. =)

i just want you to know who i am.

2011-10-24T23:05:00.000-07:00

you can love someone for eons but yet, that person didn't know about it, what more share the same feelings. you can miss a person like crazy but yet, your face never conjure in that person's mind, not even once. you can keep your hopes and dreams to yourself forever, if you never have the courage to tell that person, you love him/her.

it was all in the past.

2011-10-24T08:40:00.000-07:00

That spells out my mind, exactly. You make the best out of everything you have at present times. A new beginning, that's it. L.E.T I.T G.O. Be happy with what you and don't upset yourself by thinking of what you could have and the countless what ifs.

sad but true.

2011-10-22T23:42:00.000-07:00

perhaps that brief moment shared together was meant to be just a beautiful memory of the past, something that you'll relish once in awhile...strange isn't it? but it sure hurts as well.

can you cheer me up?

2011-10-21T04:33:00.000-07:00

They say if you smile even when you don't feel like it, you send happy thoughts to your brain and cheer yourself up. I want to have the laughing therapy I had in India. I miss India.

truly, truly happy.

2011-10-20T08:31:00.001-07:00

Don't let your unflagging enthusiasm and self-satisfaction falter by comparing yourself with others. When you stop comparing, stop the feeling of jealousy seeping into your veins, stop caring what others think about you, stop trying to please everyone in this world, just try your very best, be yourself, then only you'll be truly happy with what you have :)

i dreamt of you last night.

2011-10-16T00:45:00.001-07:00

when you think of a person too much before you sleep, you end up dreaming about that person. and, you just want to keep sleeping, keep dreaming because in your dreams, things go wild and unimaginable.

and...you got up, feeling all in dazed, still enthralled by the rendezvous with that very special person in your dream, you closed your eyes gently, with a tiny smile, trying to reconcile with the dream you had. but, it never comes back to you. you dream a different dream this time.

well, if you're a lucky like me, the dream continues... and you wake up to a lazy sunday morning or maybe afternoon :) and, you have a smile plastered on your face. the whole day.

some things always stay the same...

2011-10-12T02:14:00.001-07:00

I have changed so much over the past years. Good or bad, i guess, it's part of growing up. Along the way, you experience things, stumble upon sadness and grief, building dreams, chasing after them one by one, seeing things finally with your own eyes and not just from the telly. Well, we all experience changes, but there are just some things that will always stay the same...love, you might presume. Indeed, that's one of it. But, today, I'm not going to go on and on again about my philosophy about love. I have made too many presumptions and perceptions about the undecipherable word.

Today, the focus will be on me. A thought struck my mind earlier how much i have changed and how much of me that i still keep after all these years. Like, i have never liked cheesy wedges and mayonnaise when I was a child and throughout my adolescent years. But, I love cheesy wedges now though i still hate mayo. haha. okay, that's a pretty lame change, but it still is! :D I'm crazy over snowflakes, still is. I never like books until i was twelve and now i'm crazy over them to the extend of sitting with folded legs on Kinokuniya's parquet floor for hours just to flip through pages after pages of books. I used to hate swimming due to the fact I drowned once and I'm kinda afraid of water (still is actually) but now, I always feel this tingles of excitement reverberating all over my body before i take a dip in the pool. I love cycling and my friend used to tell me that I'll get over my bike once i learn how to ride a motorbike and drive a car but, no, i still love my bike. I still talk too much and laugh too loud! haha. And...........I shall stop here before I reveal too many things about myself in my blog, which i never intend to. haha.

Lastly, being the old me, i still believe in soulmates, love and world peace...do you?

you'll be remembered.

2011-10-06T22:26:00.000-07:00

the naked truth.

2011-09-29T04:49:00.001-07:00

When it's real, you know it absolutely and with absolute certainty. - HIMYM

never fade away.

2011-09-24T06:47:00.000-07:00

You never forget your first love, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how long it has been since you cut the string that ties you both together. I guess true love never dies. You thought you have forgotten because you are too caught up with your life but truth is, it stays in the deep recesses of your heart. And once in awhile, it knocks on your mind and the memories resurface. It's just that it no longer hurt as much as it was before. Time seems to have worked a miracle on the unattended wounds.

the ones we love are never gone, for they live within our hearts, so I heard. =)

growing apart from each other.

2011-08-22T09:06:00.000-07:00

So many times I have stumbled upon portraits of lovely couples in facebook. My friends, who are happily attached and committed to someone that they truly love. Each time I came across these pictures, my lips curved into a wide smile. A smile that projects hope. Hope that someday, one day I,too will have my very own portrait of happiness.

But, pictures can also be deceiving no? They say pictures paint a thousand words. Well, captivating as it is, you can't see what's beyond those lovely pictures. I find myself staring at those pictures enviously maybe let's say, a year ago and all of a sudden, I find them gone in their albums and found out that my friend has broken up with his/her partner. And, I was left wondering what happened? Weren't they happy together? I guess they just grow apart, instead of growing together.

love can be kinda scary no?

the hint of familiarity.

2011-08-19T00:05:00.000-07:00

I have this habit of returning to the same place that holds beautiful memories for me. Like the fact that I have been to Langkawi for the umpteenth times. I somehow like to relish those bittersweet moments I used to have. Maybe that's also one of my ways to entangle myself when I couldn't figure out the messy knots in my chest. The hint of familiarity always manage to miraculously heal me, show me the way back to the right path. It reveals my past and how much I have changed since the last time I was there. Most of all, it tells me who i am, who i was, especially when the cruel reality seemed to have consumed me.

I think the only reason people hold onto memories so tight is because memories are the only thing that don't change when everything and everyone else does.

Or maybe,just maybe, i want to remember him.

you got to see it with your own eyes

2011-08-18T11:52:00.000-07:00

"Inside the snow globe on my father's desk, there was a penguin wearing a red and white striped scarf. when i was little, my father would pull me into his lap and reach for the snow globe. he would turn it over, letting all the snow collect on the top, then quickly invert it. the two of us watched the snow fall gently around the penguin. The penguin was alone in there, i thought and i was worried for him. When i told my dad this, he said, "Don't worry. He has a nice life. He's trapped in a perfect world." by Alice Sebold, The Lovely Bones

Today, while boarding the cheapest train (the sleeper class) to see the Taj Mahal at Agra, I witnessed poverty, hunger and sickness with my own eyes. As I gave up my sit for an old woman, I stood staring at my surroundings and the scenery outside the train that is ever changing as the train moves forward. An old crippled man squatting wobbly on the train floor with his two other friends. His hands were shaking badly while holding tightly on his two wooden canes. I felt a tear escaped my eyes and quickly rubbed it away and turned my back against it him as I can feel those tears are slowly bursting out of my eyes. There are people with no legs on the train floor, children lying down on a cardboard paper on the platforms all surrounded by flies and insects and some people wounded on various parts of their bodies and I have seen multiple slum areas with children running around in torn and tattered clothes. And, there I stood in the train staring at these people helplessly. And, finally, finally, I realized, I was trapped like the penguin in a perfect world before. But, reality is, there's no perfect world out there. Life can be unfair, unjust and cruel.

All I can say for now is that, I am a blessed child. I shouldn't ask for more and appreciate what I already have.

i just haven't met you yet. (:

2011-07-31T08:04:00.000-07:00

"You meet thousands of people in your life and then, you meet one person and your life is changed forever." from Love & Other Drugs.

Perhaps, I haven't met you yet or perhaps i did but you don't belong with me. So, I won't try to fit in to a box that obviously does not fit me. Sometimes, fate can be a really weird thing, no? :)

you can't ask for more.

2011-07-31T07:15:00.000-07:00

When you complained that there's no hot shower in the cold morning, think of those kids rushing to the water tanker truck every evening just to fill their pails with clean water.

you just can't help it.

2011-07-26T09:03:00.000-07:00

There are things that we don't want it to happen but we have to accept, things we don't want know but we must learn and people we can't live without but have to let go. Sad to know but i guess that's life.

everlasting.

2011-07-26T08:08:00.000-07:00

Is there really a kind of love that can survive a lifetime? The kind that will remain the same even though everything changed. We grow up. Our perspective and mindset towards life change as we grow outwardly and inwardly. Our expectations, our wants and needs probably change as life runs it courses.

Will the love that you embraced a few years ago stay the same a few years after? Will you fall out of love? Have you found that kind of love that can last for an eternity? And that even if things change, everything became topsy turvy and your life swerved from its normal course, you'll still love that one person and vice versa. Have you met someone that you feel that you want to give your whole life to? Call me a hopeless romantic and unrealistic. I know I shouldn't let my whole life revolves around just one person but I want to. Well, isn't that what love all about? :)

Well, I haven't met that one special person. But, if you did, hold on to that kind of love and never give up. :)

all bottled up.

2011-07-14T00:41:00.000-07:00

Your mind is flitting ahead, bouncing onto possibilities and shearing away again in disbelief. You backtrack. You don't want to run too fast that you end up hitting a wall right at the end of the road. You are afraid of history repeating itself, unfolding all the scraps of memories that threw you once into a dark corner. You wish you are not like that. You hope you can at least be brave enough to confide to yourself but no, you cast those feelings aside, hoping that those feelings will just go away. Fear put you in a very difficult position and heart is what you have to risk and you just can't do it. But, I guess you haven't found that one person that you love enough to risk everything, including your heart. Maybe it was just a fleeting feeling that you had and it will go away. Maybe, just maybe, everything was just a delusion...Time will tell, i guess... :)

fruitless attempt.

2011-07-13T03:37:00.000-07:00

I mentioned previously that love is a choice. But, I guess sometimes the feeling can be too overwhelming, too strong that when you try to suppress it, the pressure maybe too intense that you can't take it. You try to run away from yourself. You stay in complete denial, trying to put an end to all the feelings you had but to no avail... You made a complete mess out of yourself... and, in the end, you are left with nothing because you did not have the courage to seize it...

because you couldn't find that smile anywhere else...

2011-07-12T15:11:00.000-07:00

I couldn't sleep a wink last night. I felt a plunge of despair. The knot in my chest doesn't seem to dwindle away as I breathe heavily. I seem to have lost all my senses and my emotions are still darting around me. My heart occasionally skipped every other beat while thumping on furiously, like a bullet train rushing to its destination. I climbed out of my bed with great reluctance as my alarm clock rang, finding it hard to accept the fact that I'm going back to the city in less than 2 hours. When I'm here, it feels like everything runs in a slower pace. I smell the air of freedom with every breath I take. The tonnes of weights that are stacked up on my shoulders were slowly lifted up. This feels like home. This is home, the place where my heart belongs. And, my heart hurts so much because I have to leave today... :(

P/S: I probably feel like this is because I know it's gonna be quite some time before I can go back home again...

until sunset falls

2011-07-09T06:25:00.001-07:00

the sky above is translucent blue. i tilt my head back to look up at the clear blue sky. when i feel that i have the need to shut everyone else away and be alone, this is the place where i seek comfort. like a miracle potion, the swishing sounds of the paddy fields dancing to the rhythm of the wind coupled with the sunlight that cast a faint reflection on the river seems to heal every part of my aching heart. the perfect place to release my inhibitions and just pedal away my worries and confusion...

peace and serenity

2011-07-07T05:43:00.000-07:00

I lied down flat on the sandy beach, tilted my head up to look at the clear night sky. Slowly, as my eyes adjust to the blackness, the tiny pinpricks begin to appear all over it, forming whorls and patterns which i can't begin to decipher. Then, there I was busy counting stars until I have lost count of them and then recounting them all over again. I thought i saw a shooting star and i quickly closed my eyes to make a wish and I opened my eyes only to find out it was just a white bird flying pass me and I laughed at my own sillyness. I hummed one song after another as I stared blankly at the kaleidoscope set of stars high above me. At times, when my mouth is tired of all the humming, I stopped for a moment and listen to those waves crushing against the shore. I flapped both my hands to carve a figure of a snow angel on the beach (sand angel, asince there's no snow, haha). At times, I got up and sat down hugging my knees, watching enviously at young couples taking a pleasant stroll along the beach. I took a few gulps from a bottle of vodka mixed with orange and let out a huge sigh of relief. At that very moment of time, I wish time could just stand still and I can forever linger in that very moment...

follow your heart.

2011-07-02T21:11:00.000-07:00

"The tough thing about following your heart is that people forget to mention that sometimes the heart takes you to places you shouldn't be. Places that are scary as they are exciting and as dangerous as they are alluring. Sometimes your heart cannot take you to places that lead to happy endings. That's not even the difficult part; the difficult part is when you follow your heart, you leave normal; you go into the unknown and once you do you can never go back."

that painful reminder.

2011-06-30T19:44:00.000-07:00

Last night, I get to see the outcome of a certain decision that i have been contemplating very long or rather i have been wondering how will it turn out to be if i made that decision. A painful reminder that i caught in a lucid dream. I should have known better. You don't mess with what happens in the past. The problem with me is that I always try to revert myself back to old times but obviously, it's impossible. People change, circumstances change, even I change. Another problem with me is that I'm stubborn. I find it hard to surrender unless I have given it a try and have my heart broken. I guess that's why i dreamt watching myself make that silly decision and the consequences that came after. That dream last night...it was like a pre-warning that I shouldn't mess things up for myself in real life. again.

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

2011-06-19T02:35:00.000-07:00

If I were to look back at my past, I can simply give myself a thousand excuses to indulge in self-pity. The emotional burden that I carried for years and years was heavy enough to bring me down. But, I won't even let myself go near that. I have learned that forgiveness is the cure for all heartbreaks. I have learned to accept that fate got to interfere at times to bring you to your very own happy ending despite having to go through all the bumpy roads and the rocky paths. I have come to accept that sometimes, some things didn't turn out to be how you want it to be but it may turn out to be a blessing in disguise after all. I realized that painful experiences are necessary to appreciate brief moments of happiness. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, so they say. (:

for eternity, I promise.

2011-06-18T08:57:00.000-07:00

Happy Fathers' Day,dad! (:

bring me to my destiny.

2011-06-14T07:07:00.000-07:00

One step you take and your life takes a whole 360 degree turn. At times, you are in full control of those steps that you bound to take. The decision is in your hands. But, what if...what if you are not in control...what if you are helpless, what if all you can do is just stare at the blank space before you and wait...wait for someone to make that decision. You are not given that privilege to take that step. I think that's harder...to wait for someone to make a decision, a decision that may determine your destiny. And, that destiny is ultimately vague. But, sometimes, you just have to succumb to that painful anticipation. You can't always have what you want in life. You can't have your own way all the time...Life's too short to worry about things that are not in your circle of control =) Like a dandelion, the wind chooses where it will land...Sometimes, I will just have to leave it to fate to bring me to my destiny :)

the seeds of hope.

2011-06-12T05:30:00.001-07:00

still dangling on a string of emotions,
wondering if i have ever mentioned,
that my love to you has never changed,
the feelings i had for you still remains.

perhaps to you i was just a memory,
but to me it means a whole lot of history,
once or twice, i was caught in a deep reverie,
harbor hopes that there is still you and me.

but hopes are crushed, hearts are broken,
wounds are healed, those scars are permanent,
i staggered under the weight of my own grief,
i'm through with all those wrenching gasps of misery

maybe one day our paths will cross,
maybe one day everything will be resolved,
maybe one day i'll finally let go,
of all the seeds of hope that i quietly sow.

stop and smell the roses.

2011-06-03T06:25:00.001-07:00

My weekday mornings require a long walk to the law firm where I'm working at. A very long walk, actually. Usually, I am in a rush to reach the firm. It was either 8.45am or closer to 9am when I reach KLCC station and I need approximately 10-15 minutes to walk all the way to my firm. So, I always make haste. But, these two days have somehow been a pleasant walk, just because I have way too much time to spend due to my early bus schedules which I have to comply due to the fact that my parents are away. I enjoy my every morning now. Walking down my apartment, waiting for the bus, meeting people from all walks of life, reading a good novel in the train, take a pleasant walk to my firm while my earphones nicely plugged into my ears, letting all the lovely music take me in, catching glances of people and my surroundings. It's just simply beautiful... :) Life is, if you would just stop and smell the roses.

true love.

2011-05-31T06:55:00.000-07:00

In Sue Sylvester's eulogy, she described love as an invisible thread that holds two individuals together, each holding an end of it. And that no matter how far apart they are, the thread makes them feel that they have each other, always. She loved her sister so much, so much that she felt that part of her has been ripped off when her sister passed away and that she fell into nothingness. She loved her sister so much, so much that she's willing to do anything and everything for her sister. Well, I guess this is what we call true love... :) I'm not seeking for a perfect person. If I were to find one, that'll be an endless and hopeless search. Nobody is, perfect. But one day, I'll find that one special person that I see beyond his imperfections :)

the pessimist.

2011-05-30T05:17:00.000-07:00

"We do not fear things as much as we fear the possibility of not being able to handle what will come up because of them: feelings, grief, the requirement of action, the need to let go or go on." David Richo

Fear. I have been using this word quite often. As much as I hate myself for letting fear intrudes my thoughts, I couldn't. I tried to shake it off but I can't. When things start getting better and the hurt became lesser, I crawl back into that once upon darkness. Maybe that was comfort zone to me...maybe that is sort of like a solace to me... Aaaah! I'm being so pessimistic. I so hate myself for that. Penning down here doesn't seem to help at all. Great.

damn, it hurts.

2011-05-29T18:13:00.000-07:00

I'm such a wreck today. I couldn't seem to breathe properly. As I walked all the way to work today, I occasionally paused and took long gulps of air before I can proceed with taking long strides. Not because I'm exhausted. I should be used to the distance by now. But, somehow, there is something that is weighing me down that I can't seem to walk properly, breathe properly. I felt like crying yet I can't force those tears to come out. I felt a stab in my heart today. Like thousand of needles pricking and shredding every piece of my heart out. It hurts so much. And, I can only blame myself for this.

just do what you think it's right.

2011-05-25T22:47:00.001-07:00

In life, you got to learn not to expect people to return the same kindness and deed you willingly offered without a moment of hesitation because truth is, you'll get disappointed if you do. Accept the fact that everyone is diversified in their thoughts and actions. It's about time you learn that and get rid of the silly thought that if you are nice to someone, he/she will be nice,too.

fear, I guess.

2011-05-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

No matter how hard I try to let myself sink in to a new relationship, another part of me pulls me away. Just sometimes, I hate myself for being like that, for letting fear conquer my thoughts and actions, to put a halt to what I'm actually capable of doing and discovering.

the awesome musketeers :)

2011-05-16T06:03:00.000-07:00

They are simply irreplaceable... :)

the wedding.

2011-04-29T07:35:00.000-07:00

A fairytale come true :)

that thin line.

2011-04-26T08:25:00.000-07:00

There's always a thin line between friendship and love. And, once you crossed it, a friendship may just bloom into love. Well, I'm saying this in terms of a boy-girl friendship. Truth is, a boy and a girl can never be best friends. Either one or both will end up falling for each other.

once in a lifetime.

2011-04-24T09:07:00.000-07:00

It happens only once,not twice,

the moments vanishing like mice,

scurrying past,

life much too fast,

and only for

the very brave,

the strong,

the true,

and when the moment comes for you,

don't let it pass you by,

for in the twinkling of an eye,

the love is gone,

the moment is dead,

an empty ringing in your head,

your heart will know

when fate has whispered in your ear...

oh never fear,

beloved friend...

for in the end

it's worth the price,

the fee, the cost

when all is lost,

but love is won,

when true love comes,

there is

but one.

by Danielle Steel

strangers, again.

2011-04-22T07:48:00.000-07:00

I remembered I typed a post how I started a relationship with the guy whom I thought is the love of my life as strangers, slowly progressing to being friends, then lovers, and abruptly back to being strangers again. How odd is it when people said that love is like a circle that goes on and on forever. But, to me love is like a cycle. A cycle that is full of stages and how that stages progressed depends very much on us. Mine channels back to the times when we were strangers, when our lives were not connected in any way. It was a scary thought. No, it was not a thought. It was a reality. When I found out he has found a new girl to replace me, the feeling sucks. It's as if a three years relationship meant nothing to him and that I was easily replaceable in less than a year. All the love that we felt was going down the drain and as I see it flowing rapidly down, my heart hurts, real badly. And, it took me two years to move on, to revert back to my life without him, to learn to stay strong again, knowing that I no longer have him to lean on, and to finally learn to love again. I know one day, if I ever meet with him again, we can never be friends because the whole cycle may just begin its run again.Thus, perhaps we are better off being strangers, again.

Watch Strangers, again by WongFu Productions in Youtube. Inspiring :)

the battle.

2011-04-22T01:14:00.000-07:00

For the past two weeks, life has been a dreadful battle and the struggle to escape and be free was so intense. It was all me against myself. The usual distractions were the awesome plans for the upcoming holidays I carefully draw with my imagination, the anticipation and anxiety for everything to be over that seep inside you occasionally and that drives you up and down the wall because you just can't wait for it to be all over. You just can't wait to be done with it. One part of you told you to give up, another part told you to hang on. I'm glad I hang on, I'm glad I did not give up though it was burning the midnight oil at the eleventh hour. And now, I have the liberty to enjoy a four months break after the toil and sweat, all the bread and buns that I have to chew, after all the sleep deprivation and insomnia, all the zits and dark circles. I'm freeeeeeee!!! call me! hahahahaha

love is a choice.

2011-03-24T07:52:00.000-07:00

the adrenaline rush.

2011-03-24T05:02:00.000-07:00

This was the price of procrastination that I have to pay last week. My left hand was holding a bun which I take a bite occasionally, while my right hand was busy flipping pages of those thick company law books. After the whole assignment is complete, I rushed down the stairs, ran all the way to the printing shop to print out the assignment. It was sheeeeeeer madness but sometimes, I kinda enjoy it. It makes me feel alive somehow. I don't think I can live lazing around forever, without fully utilizing my brain. I like the feeling of accomplishment of a task. A workaholic in the making? I sure hope not. haha

your good isn't good enough.

2011-03-23T08:25:00.000-07:00

Love comes with accepting one's imperfections. Love is easy, the accepting part, now that's hard. You tried your best to change yourself to impress, to accommodate, to lift up to his expectations, to be irreplaceable in his heart. But sometimes, it makes you wonder, wonder why your good just isn't good enough for him? You should have just gave up. You should have stopped all those silly things you did when your good intentions are not felt. But you didn't..until it's all too late...until you realized that holding on to a broken relationship is what hurts you the most...

counting my blessings.

2011-03-15T23:59:00.000-07:00

(Firefighters continue search operation in snow in Minamisanriku, northern Japan Wednesday, March 16, 2011 after Friday's massive earthquake and tsunami. (AP Photo/Yomiuri Shimbun, Hiroaki Ono) - 16 March, 2011)

I can't help but feel an extreme sadness and sorrow when I see pictures of the disaster at Japan strewn all over local newspapers. Though I was neither at the scene nor I was the victim, I feel the impact in my heart somehow. It's really heartbreaking to see how people build up their lives and home only to be destroyed in a matter of seconds. This exposed to us the frailty of humankind. Here I am complaining in my room that the tonnes of assignments lining up behind me are maddening when some of the people in Japan lost their loved ones. The problems I faced are so mediocre compared to theirs. I need to appreciate what I have been offered and live today like there's no tomorrow.

the greatest story ever told.

2011-03-11T05:23:00.000-08:00

FROM ELIZABETH OVERMAN, 23

Wedding date - July 10, 2010

On May 22, after dating for more than six years, Chris and I headed to St. Charles, Mo., where we watched the movie "Wall-E" in their outdoor amphitheater.

After the movie was over, the guy in charge came out and said that they would be playing an alternative ending. When the "alternative ending" came on, it was Chris on the screen in a suit.

Needless to say I was really confused. ... I had no idea what was about to happen. He said, "Well the movie is over, but there is one more thing I have to do before the credits roll. ... Lizz, are you out there? Lizz, you are the love of my life. These past six years have been amazing ... so amazing that the thought of spending one day without you breaks my heart. This is why I want to spend the rest of my life with you." There is a part in the movie where Wall-E, who collects junk, finds a ring box with a diamond ring in it. Wall-E then throws the ring back in the trash and keeps the box.

Chris (on screen) said, "Hey, Wall-E, can you toss me that?" He incorporated it so it looked as though Wall-E throws him the ring, and he catches it. He then says "Oh you can keep the box," and he shows Wall-E keeping the box. He then says, "Hold on everybody." I look at him and he is on one knee with a ring box. He asked me to marry him. I said yes ... through lots of tears. After he slid the ring on my finger, everyone started clapping. I heard a lot a cheering coming from one area. When I turned around, I saw my family.

It was the most amazing night of my life. He put so much time and effort into making it perfect. It was like a movie.

(From TheStar Newspaper)

I melted. literally... :))))

words you couldn't say.

2011-03-09T05:26:00.000-08:00

Like I still love you. Because it's all over. You knew it. You ended it. There's no turning back. You made that painstaking decision and he already moved on. And, those words will be kept sealed forever in your heart. You may have told the whole world about it but not him and he will never know because those are just words you couldn't say to him. Not anymore. It will be cruel to let those words slipped out. He's happy now. You should be happy for him :)

the one.

2011-03-06T05:33:00.000-08:00

Robin: You got me a french blue horn. (Ted didn't get it, he stole it, haha)
Ted : I will get you the whole orchestra if you want.

from How I Met Your Mother.

One day, I will find that one person that is willing to steal one of those snowflake ornaments which adorn shopping malls during christmas month :) hahaha. Well, if he doesn't turn up, I'll go get them myself. But, for now, it doesn't hurt to have a little hope and faith after all that I have been through *wink* :) Life's good. And, I'm awesome. :)

P/S: Here you go, a happy post :) :) :)

pooooke me.

2011-03-06T00:24:00.001-08:00

I'm like a helium balloon, filled with too much air, close to exploding right now. I reached my limits. I need to deflate myself. Poke me. But, I think it's better I burst it myself. I'm close to strangling someone right now.

Hopefully with those earphones nicely attached to my ears and songs reverberating in my ear drums, the balloon will deflate by itself. I hate being like that.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

what are words...?

2011-03-05T04:58:00.000-08:00

What are words? Chris Medina, you sang it well.

But, words are also what's left after all the promises are trashed, all the hearts are crushed into pieces, all the childhood fairy tales turned ugly and all your hope of an eternal love with that special someone is destroyed and even the last piece of shred you hold on to has melted away.

Words are what keep haunting you day and night when that special one left you wondering cluelessly what had happened to all those sweet promises and vows. Words are what cause you stranded in a labyrinth, trying to figure out what's lie and what's truth. Words are also what lives on even when your relationship is dead.

It's because of the words that were told that makes it ten times harder to move on. It's because of those words that were spoken as if it means something that disappoints you in the end and you wish you never had to hear them. For then, it wouldn't have hurt so much now.

For words are mightier than the sword.

where's my cheese?

2011-03-03T06:10:00.000-08:00

I remembered when I was in Form 6, I studied like a lunatic; in front of my desk, in front of the kitchen table while pushing spoonfuls of rice into my mouth with my right hand, flipping through pages of history book with my left hand; on my bed, trying my best to open my eyes wide enough to consume the tiny words of my 400 pages plus history book; in the bus where everybody is still sleeping in the morning, and I tried squinting my eyes to read with the dim lights in the bus. I remembered I was that hardworking. Why? Because I had an aim. I told myself I will hit the moon. I will not accept myself landing on one of the stars. All I wanted was to get an entrance into one of the public universities to pursue law. It drives me, motivates me, squeezes all the brain juice out of me. But, my hard work paid off. :)

But, at this very moment, I'm not as motivated or driven like before. Why did all the momentum stops? I feel aimless right now?

I need to get back right to track and focus. Right. Focus on what I want in life and start building my dreams, moving towards them :)

like a monster.

2011-03-01T03:41:00.001-08:00

I used to hate seeing myself slowly changing into a person that I totally can't recognize when I'm in a relationship. I hate that change in me. I see the I have reverted back to myself, maybe not completely but at least most of it. I am happy now. Let's just stay that way. :)

the perfect combo.

2011-02-25T08:10:00.000-08:00

I want a tree house. That will complete my darling English cottage which will be built with a huge compound, full of lushes of greenery :) and oh, a swing hanging on a tree. or maybe a braided hammock :)

living a charade.

2011-02-24T07:47:00.000-08:00

Everything was a mess when he left. Pretense. You live with that. Day time was a living nightmare where you have to smile, hiding your grief, burying your last bit of pride not to break down. Night time was you, clutching your pillow in the dark, soaked in silent tears, trying your best to sleep only to find his faces floating in the dark recesses of your mind. A complete mess. It took awhile to pick yourself up. And, you told yourself you will never allow this to happen to yourself again. You need to love yourself more.

the best mistake you ever made.

2011-02-19T08:10:00.001-08:00

Sometimes, you know deep down inside it's gonna be a mistake, but you still wanna do it because you know that if you don't make that mistake, you'll live with "what if" and that's gonna haunt you for the rest of your life. So, you made that mistake after all but it turns out to be the best mistake you ever made. You got the answer you want you live with it.

catching snowflakes.

2011-01-25T23:04:00.000-08:00

"But I lost you on the way down
Even though I tried so hard
To be with you to hold on to
You with all my broken heart
But I lost you on the way down

But our love was like catching a snowflake
As it reached our hands
It was already gone

This love was not ours to take
It was fated to break
Thought it was beautiful."

by Pixie Lott

the significance of photography.

2011-01-09T08:21:00.000-08:00

Photography is a magic that takes an instant and transforms it into something everlasting.

hesitate no more.

2011-01-03T05:16:00.000-08:00

"When you sense a faint potentiality of happiness after such dark times, you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of dirt- this is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight. " quoted from Eat, Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.

the moment.

2010-12-31T22:13:00.001-08:00

From afar, distant shouting could be heard before fireworks were seen illuminating the dark sky. I put my arms around my dad's shoulders and both of us stood in the middle of nowhere, catching glimpses of fireworks from afar. Just me and him. The sight of the fireworks was spectacular, nevertheless but I will probably forget how beautiful the lovely sparks brilliantly painted the night sky in many years to come. However so, I will never forget the moment I shared with my dad on that very day. My darling, beloved dad. :)

Happy New Year everyone :)

built to last.

2010-12-27T05:21:00.001-08:00

I don't want casual relationships with no strings attached.
I'm not planning to fool around or play the field.
I want to commit myself wholeheartedly.
I can only be with a guy that I'm hopelessly in love with.
And I plan to be with him forever and ever.

There, these are the reasons why.

what if.

2010-12-13T01:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Claire,

What' and 'if' two words as nonthreatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: 'What if?'...

I don't know how your story ended. But I know that if what you felt then was love - true love - then
it's never too late. If it was true then it why wouldn't it be true
now? You need only the courage to follow your heart...

I don't know what a love like that feels like... a love to leave loved ones for, a love to cross oceans
for... but I'd like to believe if I ever felt it. I'd have the courage to seize it. I hope you had the
courage to seize it, Claire. And if you didn't, I hope one day that you will.

From,

Sophie

(Letters to Juliet)

a song that channels to a memory.

2010-12-11T09:24:00.001-08:00

A familiar song played in the radio by chance and as the audible tunes vibrate in your eardrums, a hidden memory unfolds itself surreptitiously. You turned the song off but you still can't stop the memories from conquering your mind. All those memories started flooding in, one by one flashing across your mind. And, tears start brimming in your eyes. You didn't want that to happen. It has been so long, so very long that the memory was hidden, well-kept at the darkest corner of your mind. Yet, that day...it feels like you've stepped back into the past... And, that part of your history is something you never wished to reminisce.

just a dream, wake up.

2010-11-30T08:38:00.000-08:00

When we lay asleep on our beds, we often have pictorial dreams. Some we forget as soon as we wake up, some we still remember but slowly, those images will fade away as time flies. It may be only an hour sleep yet our dream seems to tell us our lifelong journey. It's scary at times when in my dreams, I was pictured as a woman married with kids and I actually see myself growing old with my faithful husband. It all happened in just within a few hours of a deep slumber.

As I sat down now, I thought...my three years relationship I had previously felt as if it was just a dream. Perhaps a few wispy memories of us still lurking in my mind but we are practically strangers now...

Was it meant to be merely a dream that I'm bound to wake up from?

seeking solace.

2010-11-11T19:23:00.000-08:00

I used to swim alone in the public pool a lot a few years back whenever I feel like crying because when you are underwater, those tears will blend in with the water and hence, you couldn't taste those prickly tears. I used to cycle aimlessly in a new neighborhood, discovering wonderful, hidden places like a pond full of purple and pink lotuses and a secret route leading to a stretch of paddy fields whenever I feel disconnected from the world. I used to hide myself under my patched-up blanket and fall into a deep slumber when I feel that I couldn't take life's challenges and I wake up with a renewed vigour.

But, this semester, when I was at my down-nest moment, I was clueless of how to handle my emotions, to seek solace. I broke down. I tried my best to cheer myself up, repeatedly reassuring myself to look at the brighter side, trying as hard as I could to instill some positive vibes in my mind. But, I just couldn't. It took me really long to regain composure. I didn't know it was that hard to convince myself that everything is okay when reality is not as such. I felt beatened up.

I so need to find a new way of seeking solace. To prepare myself to face any fortified battles in future which I am pretty sure I will be experiencing that quite a lot.

there's always hope.

2010-11-01T06:45:00.000-07:00

Perhaps you have been forsaken by the only one whom you loved wholeheartedly, that you pledged to be with for the rest of your lives. Perhaps that person has torn your heart into tiny shreds and pieces that could be mended no more. Perhaps you felt cheated because that person left after all you guys have been through. Perhaps you find it hard to believe that what you have always believed in were merely prevarications. You tried your best to deviate from the truth. Your soul detached from your body, literally. What's left was just a soulless body. You are lost, disconnected, in deadlock. You felt like all this while you have been living in a bubble and when the bubble finally burst, you are forced to see all those cruelty and lies thrown right on your face. All the feeling somehow evaporated, like the feeling of anticipation and anxiety before unwrapping a present...when the gift was revealed and it was not like what you have imagined to be, you felt disappointed, dead disappointed. To love too much in the beginning probably will end up in feeling nothing, so they say. But, perhaps both of you were never meant to be together forever. Perhaps that brief romance was just meant to be a chapter of your life. A challenge, an experience, an obstacle that you have to endeavor in life to be who you are today.

Life goes on. Time waits for no on. You have to move on.

You'll believe again.

There's always hope even when faith runs out...

you can't please everyone in this world.

2010-10-14T03:23:00.000-07:00

better left unanswered.

2010-10-08T09:18:00.000-07:00

I questioned too many things in life. I tried to find answers to all the questions I had in mind. I tried to pin it up nicely; question and the accompanying answer. I couldn't move on merely because of some unanswered questions and unknown truth. I couldn't bear not knowing what was the flaw that resulted in the disastrous outcome.

Curiosity kills the cat. With that, I have learned not to question so much in life, if the truth would break my heart. I'm afraid to ruin the perfect picture I envisaged from the very beginning; that fairytales are supposed to end with a happy ending. That will draw me further away from my already-distant hope.

Forget about the answers. I don't need them anymore.

I need to love myself more.

that much is enough :)

2010-10-05T10:28:00.001-07:00

Dear you,

I wonder if you remember that your trademark phrase was "my dear darling angel from the sky" in high school. People used to mock, smile and laugh when you refer them with that lengthy endearment. You brought bundles and heaps of joy and happiness with you and spread it to all to your loyal friends. You did crazy stuffs. You got chased by the Head Prefect from one block to another. You often received unwanted stares from outsiders for wearing baggy cargo shorts, over sized tee and old, grubby sandals to tuitions. But, you seriously couldn't be bothered. You are happy to be just the way you are.

Then, time changes everything. Your source of happiness reverted to a person. The only guy you pledge to love for the rest of your life. You try your best to change, to accommodate him, to make him happy because then you'll be happy,too. But, fate played a cruel trick on you. He left. It seems like you have lost the source of your happiness. It's just so darn hard to smile and laugh again, like before...You tried to hide your grief behind every faltering smile.

But, you have come to realize that there are other sources of happiness that will never be exhausted. You have family and relatives that will stick with you through thick or thin. You have your loyal friends who never fail to laugh at you when you fall, but will help you up the minute after. You have them to listen to your blabbering and put up with your silly bickering. You have your best friends back in hometown that will drive you all the way to the hair saloon just because you are dissatisfied with your hair cut the day before. In fact, you have them to drive you all around because you can't drive. You have the best uni buddies in the world because without them, your life as a law student will be as mundane as it can be... You have all of them loving you for who you are. =)

That much is enough... =)

Bread and butter,

me.

Thank you to those whom I have met by fate or coincidence throughout the journey of my life. Without you guys, I wouldn't be where I stand today. I wouldn't be who I am today.

I'm all grown up now. Happy birthday to me! =)

you all mean the world and universe to me.

2010-10-04T00:20:00.001-07:00

They laughed at me when I pronounced "air" in English as water in BM when I was a child and still continuously make fun of me even when i'm all grown up.

But, they still love me for who I am.

The woman who kept me away from the idiot box so that I can focus in my studies. But, I still tried to secretly watch between the cracks of my door.

The ones that I nag, yell and scream at but nevertheless, still loving them.

The girl who said, "It's okay if they don't want to friend with you, I'll be your friend" when she was 7 or 8.

A friendship that started with a generous offer of a Mentos sweet.

She made me sweep and mop the floor and I made her my driver.

The one on the left always offer herself as a driver.

She will drive me out to get myself a hair cut all the time.

She drove all the way to my house just to complain about her muddy adventure in prefects' camp.

The one that will drive me out to get a hair cut if the other twin failed her mission.

The picture that I look deceivingly decent.

We all tried to cram our faces into the picture.

A promise of a gathering everytime I balik kampung.

I made funny faces so that they will look pretty. (they will kill me for this caption)

One of the many pictures that we took in front of a dirty mirror.

And, again we tried to cram all our faces into the picture.

The best jump shot ever!

I seldom post pictures in my blog. This is probably one of the several blog posts that I actually did. If tomorrow never comes, I want to let them know the fact that they mean the world to me. Thank you so much for being part of my life. =)

P/S: For those whom I accidentally left out, fret not, you guys are still very much treasured in my heart :)

hopeless fool in denial, that's me.

2010-10-02T00:07:00.000-07:00

I agonized over whether to contact you. I didn't want to rock the boat if you were happy with another woman. But, equally, I couldn't face discovering you with another woman. That somehow hurts a lot. I wanted to think you still love me like I do. I wanted to picture us together once again in future. I simply assumed you'll come back to me one day.

But, I remembered the day when the truth was out, I was struck beyond speechless. With every breath I take, I choke with tears that stream down endlessly. Perhaps I have been clouded with too much optimism. Perhaps things don't just work out the way I want it to be. Perhaps I had my hope hung up too high.

I was just a hopeless fool in denial.

But...one has got to learn to deal with the truth and move on, isn't it? :)

with love, all my heart.

2010-10-01T23:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Rupert,

Fear not. Fear not, said the angel. I'm not writing to you just so that you'll feel bad. At least not consciously. Not much.

In truth, I'm not sure why I'm writing at all. Will you ever read this letter. Probably not. Probably you have forgotten who I am; probably you're happily married with triplets. My occassional fantasy is that any moment you'll appear through the door and sweep me into your arms while all the other terminally ill patients cheer and bang their walking sticks. In realit, this letter will probably end up, like so many other-meaningful pieces of the world's fabric, in a garbage truck, to be recycled into somebody's breakfast. I rather like that idea. Allan flakes. With added optimism and a tinge of bitterness.

And, yet I keep writing- as though I'm sure that one day you'll trace a path back towards me and read these words. Perhaps you will, perhaps you won't. Has my addled mind got it wrong? Have I elevated what we had to a significance it doesn't deserve? The proportions of my life have been curtailed so dramatically, I know my view of events has become somewhat skewed. And yet-against all odds- I keep writing. The truth is, Rupert, I cannot leave this country, let alone this world, without somewhere recording a farewell to you.

When I close my eyes and think of you, it's as if you were at Oxford- though you must have changed since then. Five years on, who and what is Rupert? I have my own ideas, but am unwilling to reveal them. I don't want to be the asshole who thought he knew you better than you know yourself. That was my mistake at Oxford. I confused anger with insight. I mistook my own desires for yours. What right did I have to be angry with you? Life is a far more complicated picture that either of us realized back then.

What I hope is that you're happy. What I fear is that if you're reading this letter, you're probably not. Happy people don't trawl through the past looking for answers. what is the answer? I don't know. Perhaps we would have been happy if we'd stay together. Perhaps life would have been sweet. But you can't count on it.

As it turns out, what we might have been as good as it was ever going to get. So we broke up. But at least one of us had a chance about that, even if it wasn't me. If we'd left it until now, neither of us would have had a choice. Breaking up is one thing; dying is something else. Frankly, I'm not sure I could cope with both at once.

But I promised myself I wouldn't talk about dying. That's not what this is about. This isn't a guilt letter. It's a love letter. Just that. I still love you, Rupert. I still miss you. That's really all I wanted to say. I still love you. I still miss you. If I don't see you again then...I guess that's just life. But somehow I'm hoping I will.

Yours always,

Allan

i never stop loving you.

2010-09-26T20:31:00.000-07:00

Dearest Allison,

Today I am writing you my final letter. If you are reading this, it would be the 365th letter I have written since you departed from me exactly one year ago. You haven’t responded to any of my previous letters and, I have to think, that it means it was simply a summer fling. I’m still waiting for you. I want you to know. But I feel it’d be in both of our best interests for me to stop writing.

I have to think that the two of us being together would hold beautiful things. I believe it was meant for us and that, without each other, we are living mediocre lives. Remember when we first met? Remember how we were two birds in the ocean? We could have flown away together, you know. Or lived together in the house I’m building for the both of us. Nothing is in the past to me. Love knows no past tense. You either never loved or never stopped. And I, dearest Allie, never stopped.

The night we left each other, I heard your parents speaking about how we didn’t know love - how we were too young. But, Allie, what we had, was love. I can promise you that. No one in the world will ever be able to experience what we had. What we have. They will love, but not as whole-heartedly and selflessly. They won’t feel the stinging pain that occurs for every second you are apart from one another.

But, Allison, I am truly sorry for whatever it was that I have done to drive you away. I am sorry if it seemed I didn’t love you enough, but I can assure you that I loved you more than I have ever loved anyone or anything. I loved so much it hurt.Thank you for laying in the street with me, thank you for being a bird, thank you for loving me as much as I loved you, thank you for teaching me about life and love and companionship. I want you to know that I am grateful for the person you are and the person you shaped me to be. In everything I do, I will think of you. And I hope you’re thinking of me too. Smile at what we had and smile at who you are. Live everyday to its fullest and be genuinely happy. That is what I wish for you. Happiness.

I harbour no resentment towards you. I only have love and I wish the best things in the world for you. At the same time, I selfishly wish things could have ended on a different note. I am not bitter, nor am I angry. I find no fault in the decision you made because I can only see beautiful things when I look at you and only think beautiful thoughts about you and for you. Why? Because you are beautiful.

Love always,
Noah Calhoun

how it's meant to be.

2010-09-26T20:13:00.000-07:00

"People come, people go – they’ll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in a favorite book. When you finally close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. Then you find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past." Nicholas Sparks

this is just so me. haha.

2010-09-26T20:11:00.000-07:00

Gosh, i do this alllll the time! hahahaha

silly me.

2010-09-23T07:46:00.001-07:00

just like a tree rooted firmly on the ground,

undaunted by the heavy rain or storm,

my love for you remain unchanged,

even if things can never be the same.

waiting for you is a forlorn cause,

i was just a used paper you tossed,

you have moved on and i'm replaced,

by a treasure that suits your exquisite taste.

am i not good enough or have i done wrong,

i questioned myself for far too long,

maybe i was being too ignorant, too gullible,

perhaps love really is ephemeral...

envious but...

2010-09-21T08:52:00.001-07:00

Just sometimes, you can't help smiling broadly while staring at a blissful couple. One was telling a joke and the other was laughing simultaneously. Or maybe one was yacking on animatedly while the other was listening attentively. Their mesmerizing eyes were fixed on each other, like a spell. The whole world can be spinning around in a chaotic manner, but both of them are trapped in their own secret world.

And, on occasion like this, you wish that you experience that magical feeling. The feeling of loving someone and being loved, an unbroken spell. However so, you take a step backward. You hesitate.

Was that just an illusion and merely a misconception of the truth? Will that feeling be like writings of a pencil on a book, slowly the words became blurry, tarnished and all fade away many years to come?

There is no guarantee, isn't it? I have advised a couple of my close friends that they should take chances, risk the failures and go for the person they love. Life is too short to worry about what will happen in future; live in the present, forget the past, look forward to a new tomorrow.

But, what about me? What happened to me?

I played with fire. I got burned. And, I swore that I'll never go near fire again. Fair enough, isn't it?

make-believe.

2010-09-20T05:28:00.000-07:00

was it you?

or was it an apparition?

was it a dream?

or a figment of my imagination?

your shadow cast upon the solid ground,

my tempting heart begins to pound,

my impatient feet make its way,

i run as fast as it may,

afraid that you would fade away,

for eternity i want you to stay

but a sudden mist engulfed the air,

i rubbed my eyes in despair,

as my vision is cleared, you were not there,

again you walk away without a care,

tears pooled around my puffy eyes,

again u left me here to cry,

worst still, a shredded heart to heal,

so long, i guess our fate is sealed.

lost without a clue...

2010-09-12T05:11:00.000-07:00

There are these certain hours of certain unusual days where I sat dumbstruck on my plastic chair. Today is one of those many days. I question many things in my life. Thoughts that remain thoughts, which sometimes I find it intolerable and disturbing because I couldn't seem to find the answers. I feel weird. I feel the air of melancholy swept pass my chest again and I find it so darn hard just to breathe. I feel that time travels too fast, way too fast that I'm losing grip. I couldn't understand why some things happened. Though, they say things happened for a reason. Things that impacted my life so much that it changes my whole perspective and outlook towards life. Things like love. I struggled to break free from all these negativities. My spirit has dampened. I feel that I've lost my touch. I feel disconnected. I feel that I have lost the meaning of life. And, also love.

I so need to find myself a new cheese.

P/S: And, when I say new cheese, it means inspiration. (not a male figure).

let me get it straight.

2010-08-29T05:06:00.000-07:00

It's my constant love for poetry,

I am not wallowing in self-pity,

So, don't throw me any sympathy,

I'm over my past and living on happily :)

I just want to make it clear that my life is awesome. It so happens that I like to compose sad, melancholic poems. That doesn't literally make me an emotional, pessimistic freak. Thank you very much. haha.

goodbye, my love.

2010-08-29T04:48:00.000-07:00

The butterfly flutter its almost broken wings,

nevertheless still trying its best to stay alive,

but i've let my feelings for you wither and die,

i didn't have the courage to even try.

i seek for solace from the stars,

but i can't see any from afar,

the colours of happiness you paint,

without you, things can never be the same.

the cool, crisp air surrounded the atmosphere,

i shiver and pull my shawl nearer,

the feeling of loneliness crept within me,

i couldn't help but weep silently.

the fluffy clouds swayed upon the vast sky,

i watch them as they floated by,

this time you really did ran away,

it's my fault, i didn't beg for you to stay.

was it fate that's playing a game on me,

or am i too blinded to even see,

that you love me as much as the bees love honey,

but i decided to let you go regretfully.

i stare outside the window and frown,

the leaves are all turning ash brown,

i reminisce the memories of you and me,

it now seems very distant, vague and blurry...

stop right there.

2010-08-22T19:13:00.000-07:00

You are going way too far, way too fast,
You know those feelings will not last,
Was it love or just a crush,
Stop right there and do not rush.

They say love is always blind,
but, to me love is all in the state of mind,
It's a choice you make from time to time,
You can accept or decline.

Perhaps those miseries I dwelt in the past,
Remind me that love is transient, it will not last,
Relinquish my hope and diminish my faith,
It's hard to get back to the chase.

the moment I met her.

2010-08-09T19:05:00.001-07:00

It was instantaneous, almost magical how we clicked the very first day we met. And, from that day onwards, nothing can tear us apart. Fate brought us together and we shared buckets of tears and barrels of laughter together ever since. (Oh, we even share the same chinese names! fate :) )

Dearest roomie,

I've always hated the way you blow-dry your hair for freaking long hours with your trumpet-like blowdryer and when you used to play your online games until late at night (hence, the glaring lights). I hate that you are taller than me. I hate that you are always idle and free, whereas I am as busy as a bee. I hate that your Miruku's eyes are bigger than my pet's.
I hate that you always have awesome island escapades and I'm forever buried with a pile of law books.

Despite the ups and downs, curves and bends, holes and ditches, I will always love you. Bear in my mind that I'll always be here for you and I will risk my life to save you, smack any guys that hurt you and slaughter any bitches that backstab you.

Happy birthday to you, my darling rooomie!!!

I'm glad I've met you. :)

Yours truly,
Sze Pei :)

lessons to be held.

2010-08-06T19:14:00.000-07:00

I have learned not to rely on fate. I do not go along with the wind. I stand firm on the ground. I have learned not to trust perpetually. There will be betrayals and broken promises along the way. I have learned not to feel so much in the beginning and only ended up feeling nothing. Disappointments will push me away from my unfailing faith. I have learned to get back up no matter how many times I fall. It took me awhile to realize that the person you love sometimes do not catch you when you fall. I have learned that you need to change yourself and not try to change the world. I have learned to see through one's imperfections and still love that person for who he/she is. I have learned that you'll never be able to forget that one person who touched your heart for the very first time. All you wish is that one day, when you see that person again, you no longer feel your heart being twisted but a genuine smile that says,"we once shared a memory together."

Time will denote acceptance. Accepting the fact that he/she is gone, truly gone and never be back again. for you. for real. It will drag you away from a painful, vehement denial.

those walls.

2010-08-02T04:35:00.000-07:00

Someone you loved dearly left a mark in your life. A scar. That will always be a painful reminder for you. A traumatic fear of a repeated memory. That halted your actions. You restrict yourself. You refrain from making the same old mistake again. You think twice, thrice or as many times as you want before you make the first step. You try to shield yourself from unwanted danger, hurt and distress. You built up walls around you. You refused to let anyone in.

But, perhaps one day...on a very special day, one special person will sneak into your heart (goodness knows how) and break those walls.

before it's too late.

2010-08-02T01:41:00.000-07:00

There will come a time in your life, where all your friends are happily attached and you wedged yourself into the corner, listening, nodding, smiling or pretending to take in all the endless stories by your wonderful but thoughtless friends. But, deep inside your heart, you feel envious. You seek, you search, you stumble upon every grass and stone, yet you can't find the one. You once heard from your friends and family that "Don't worry, just wait patiently. Your time will come." So, you waited. But, when your best friend or your siblings are all happily wedded away, you realized your mistake. You are done waiting. By then, it is too late. You're old and incorrigibly cranky. It will be twice harder, or perhaps triple or quadruple harder for you to find the partner. The good fruits are all eaten up by the others. So, you lost hope. You turn to your career. You turn to sappy love songs, kitschy novels and cheesy movies because that's the only consolation for you (since you never get to experience that in real life). You are lonely. VERY lonely...and after many years have passed, you meet up again with your old buddies, and they continue talking (omg), ranting on and on about their oh-so-happy lives, oh-so-perfect families and their oh-sooo-spoiled kids. And, there you'll be. In the corner. Again.

Love sometimes come unnoticed. It's your choice to chance upon it or let it pass you by.

p/s : am tired. somehow this post doesn't make sense. just feel like penning down some nonsense. forgive me. it's so random. haha.

pp/s: no, im NOT desperate. haha. A relationship comes with a bag of emotional burden. I don't think i can handle it. At least not yet. Or yeah, i havent found my only exception.

now go have your adventure!

2010-07-31T21:17:00.001-07:00

"When we were little, life worked perfectly. No matter what happened, everything turned out alright in the end. Scraped knees, canceled play dates, dropped ice cream cones— we would cry for a short time, but by the end of the day, everything would be perfect. And now as we’ve grown older, we’ve lost the faith as we stumble through each day, crying over broken hearts, lost friendships, and lost dreams. It seems like life and perfection have turned their backs on us, but really its just that we’ve grown up. As children we didn’t pay attention to such details about our daily lives, but now we are more aware, and little details seem to be amplifying our pain. But just remember that when we were younger, life was hard too, but we had faith in perfection because we could look past faults. So don’t lose your faith. Learn to know that each day will pass, each heartache will be mended, and everything will be perfect in the end."

love unexpected.

2010-07-04T23:42:00.000-07:00

“Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one’s life with a pomp and a blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one’s side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music; perhaps… perhaps… love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath.” - Anne of Avonlea, LM Montgomery

traces of memories.

2010-07-04T23:09:00.000-07:00

Just sometimes when you are rummaging through your stuffs in an old cabinet, searching for something, you might stumble upon a piece of memory that may have been long forgotten. And, suddenly, while you are holding that particular object, all those memories start coming back. And, you can't help, but clutch your heart. It's so deeply painful you didn't want to remember it. But, you can't help it. You just can't.

boundless pleasure.

2010-06-28T20:58:00.000-07:00

The weather that day didn't look promising but I insisted on cycling. With my troubled mind, I just need a place where I can seek solace. I didn't ask anyone for a permission. I sneaked out of the house, wheeling my bike out. I cycled as fast as my legs can take me until I reached the lane, dividing squares of paddy fields on both my sides. I cycle. And, I cycle. And let the gentle breezes blow away my sorrow. I cycle aimlessly. I was so preoccupied with my own thoughts, my very own movements. It was such a deserted place. Only a scarecrow or two can be seen in the distance. I wonder now why I wasn't the least frightened of the consequences. All I wanted to do is to cycle. And, at that moment, nothing and nobody could stop me. Even when the rain started pouring down from the heavens in sheets and streams. I was all drenched from top to bottom. And, it's just so darn hard to cycle because the pedals became slippery. But, I just couldn't be bothered.

I did what I wanted to do. I didn't think too much. I worried less. I just go with the flow.

Somehow, I miss that part of me that has perished.